Turning 59, Final Year in My 50's...

 I recently turned 59, the final year in what has been one the most challenging decades of my life, and it's not quite done. As I stand on the front porch of 60 I needed time to let it sink in, reflect on my journey to this point... here are a few of the thoughts that ran through my head.

4 Days Post-surgery

The decade started with me having two small heart attacks that required two rounds of Angioplasty wherein they inserted a total of 3-1/4 inches of Stents to keep the blood flowing around my heart. A short 6 years later chest pains again sent me to the doctor where they attempted a 3rd and failed Angioplasty procedure. So on March 18th 2020 as South Carolina was being shut down for "Covid 19" my chest was cracked open to perform Double Bypass Heart Surgery.

Growing up I was always active and healthy, I don't recall really ever being sick. Now I live with heart disease.

These last 9 years I've been witness to my two daughters growing from teenagers to young adult women but not without issue...

I've been witness to my oldest battle a multitude of life's ups and downs dealing with going to school, working a full time job and trying to prove she is strong enough, independent enough to make it on her own. She is strong, she will and is making it happen. I've helped where she will allow. Although she has friends she is still alone in a city 3 hours away. I visit her as often as I can, I love our trips out to breakfast at "Waffle House" (the Awful Waffle), times out to various bars and mostly the times we sit up until 6 or 7 in the morning just talking about life, everything she's going through.

I've had to watch my youngest continue her relentless spiral into a life of criminal activity and drug addiction. I've endured numerous, failed attempts with rehab, voluntarily as well as state ordered. I've had to hold it together during a time she went missing for several months. There is nothing more gut wrenching than having to file a "missing persons report" on your child. The drugs have cost her life via overdose not just once but twice before finally going to prison. There is no way to describe the pain you feel when you visit your child behind bars, especially when it's escalated to the level of a Women's Federal Correctional Facility (I've met Susan Smith). She's been in and out too many times to count and In between her last two trips she got pregnant and now has a son. He is in the custody of his grandmother, my ex wife. She was paroled last October, living back at home. Her attention now is focused on getting her life put back together for her and her son, my grandson. She has a job and is working her ass off staying focused. I always have had and will continue to have her back, she knows this. 

I love both my daughters with all my heart. I am extremely proud of all the good things they have and will accomplish.

In 2018 I divorced, ending a 31-1/2 year marriage to the woman I have known since we were 12. A marriage that fell apart primarily for reasons that I will own to me.

Looking on my journey, I've come to accept I will not accomplish all I dreamt of doing when I was younger. It weighs on me. Eventually I know it will pass and I'll be okay, I've been fortunate to have been on many journeys, seen and touched so many people, places and things.

My fantasy of Running with the Bulls is most likely just that, a Fantasy.

I choose to go to bed earlier than I did when younger.

I drink much more water than I used to.

I used to spend a lot of time logging miles on my bicycle, thousands and thousands... I enjoyed long distance rides and solitude. I miss my bike.

I started running a couple years ago, not quite the same solitude feeling as riding a bike but I still enjoy it. Granted, running is much harder on my body...

I continue to make poor decisions, sometimes over and over. I had hoped to have overcome this cycle, I'm working on it. Still, I know "I should be better by now."

True friends stay with you, give you the benefit of doubt, regardless... I find comfort in having several very close friends, a couple since I was 12.

I live alone in a 1-bedroom apartment, I'm comfortable. I love my space, I live much more minimally owning few possessions. I'm discovering what really matters in this life (it's not "Stuff"). I've no desire to compete with anyone, played that game before.

My life is far from perfect, there are many days I've been very angry, mostly frustrated by the events of my days. But, overall I'm happy, every day I wake up is a Great Day. This journey has had its ups and downs but for a few exceptions I wouldn't change anything.

I find Peace in the daily routines I have created in living a more simple life.

I strive daily to be positive, and I try to spread that to everyone I come into contact with.

I am not afraid of dying, it is part of this journey we call life.

The clock is ticking ever so quickly to 60...the age as a child i thought was old! My question - Brian, what am I going to do with the time I have left?"

I want a challenge, an adventure to celebrate turning 60

Maybe, I will run a Marathon...I've been told only 1% of the population has ever run one. Might be my only chance at becoming part of the "1%"

Recent thought is possibly a 60K run on my birthday - I used to "ride" the miles of my birthday... update to follow.